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Rebirth

Finding the Light

08/23/2026

When I started writing this blog again, I really thought all my posts were about to be these magical little stories of winning.

And maybe they are.

Just apparently not without the trials and tribulations of actually being alive. 😂

Because this week?

Y’all.

I got spanked.

It’s end of month at work, and I am heading into it with a large, brand-new pipeline.

Friday was the last day to get a Closing Disclosure out and still close and fund within the month, so I spent most of my week preparing newly locked loans—with their dramatic high-cost fails and million little problems—to hopefully be ready to issue their CDs on time.

People acted like absolute buffoons.

Naturally.

Then Friday rolled around, and the sheer magnitude of the last-minute workload became more than our teams could physically handle.

The manager of our CD team tried so hard to personally help get my CDs out while simultaneously dealing with something like 200 files in his own pipeline.

But unfortunately, he is not Superman.

And there are only so many hours in a day.

By the end of it, probably 100+ CDs company-wide hadn’t gone out.

Which is a true mortgage nightmare.

Those loans now have to be reworked. First payment dates have to change. Borrowers may have to make another mortgage payment. Brokers have to explain things they absolutely do not want to explain.

And the brokers?

Oh, they were losing their absolute minds.

At some point, we surpassed the normal escalation people being tagged into emails and entered the level of management where I was seeing names on my email threads that I had never seen there before.

That’s always comforting. 😂

But here’s the thing.

I love my coworkers.

Okay.

Most of them.

LOL.

I know they’re overworked. I know they’re underpaid. I know they were sitting behind their computers trying just as hard as I was.

There wasn’t some magical button anybody could push to make 200 files disappear.

So I just kept responding in my very Brittany fashion:

Hi 😊

My team is processing files as quickly as they possibly can.

Thank you so much for your patience.

Translation:

Please stop yelling at us. We are literally doing our best.

Monday, however?

Monday may be a different story.

Which is actually kind of funny, because Friday was technically the last day to send the CD and close within the month—but Wednesday is the last day to sign, underwriting turn times for CTC are sitting around 48 hours, and quite a few of the files everyone was desperately screaming about aren’t anywhere near CTC-ready anyway.

But I digress.

I would be lying if I said I haven’t spent a ridiculous amount of this weekend—even while running around Olive Garden—mentally flipping through my pipeline.

This file needs this.

That borrower still hasn’t sent that.

That one is going to be angry.

That broker is definitely going to email me twelve times.

How am I going to handle Monday?

How am I going to get all of this done?

How am I going to respond to the approximately 97 million angry, impatient, attention-seeking emails waiting for me?

Sigh.

At some point, this blog has apparently become my weekly work-venting session.

But I swear there is a lesson in here somewhere. 😂

And I think it actually started on Wednesday morning.

I was sitting at my desk when one of the Account Executives I work with walked over and basically slapped this huge bouquet of red and pink roses onto my desk.

They were gorgeous, y’all.

They looked like Barbie flowers.

Obviously, my first response was:

“What is this?!” 😂

She looked at me and said they were for me.

Because I was amazing.

Because she appreciated me.

Because she wanted me to know that.

Y’ALL. 🥺

I don’t think she could have known how much I needed those flowers this week.

I spent years thinking flowers were something I needed a man to give me.

Like somehow being loved romantically was the ultimate proof that I was valuable.

Turns out, maybe I just needed a really good job.

😂

But seriously.

Those flowers sat next to me through one of the most stressful workweeks I’ve had in a long time.

Through the escalations.

Through the headaches.

Through the chaos.

Through every moment when I felt like my brain had officially reached maximum capacity.

And every once in a while, I’d look over at them.

Someone appreciated me enough to bring me flowers.

Someone noticed how hard I was trying.

Someone was glad I was there.

And maybe that’s why they meant so much.

I feel like I keep discovering the same little hidden lesson in every post.

But maybe that’s because I haven’t finished learning it yet.

The people around me like me.

And even crazier?

I like me.

Which brings me to my completely dramatic transition into another seemingly unrelated story that I promise is actually related. 😂

Last week, one of my friends at Olive Garden invited me to her birthday party at a bar.

She really wanted me to come, even though she knows I don’t drink.

And truthfully, I didn’t feel comfortable going.

Not because I thought I would relapse.

I don’t romanticize that part of my life anymore.

That time in my life ripped my heart out of my chest over and over again, and I don’t ever want to go back.

Not even a little.

It’s simply not my scene anymore.

And I realized that caring about someone doesn’t mean I have to abandon my own boundaries to prove it.

I could love my friend.

I could celebrate my friend.

And I could still say:

That environment isn’t for me anymore.

So I decided I’d bring her a birthday present instead.

Then came the important question:

What does a hippie lesbian like?

Obviously.

Crystals.

😂

I found the cutest little set of crystals in this carved wooden box. It came with a DIY necklace kit and a little book of mantras, and I immediately thought of her.

I brought it to work last night and told her:

“I’m sorry I couldn’t make it to your birthday party, but I still wanted to get you something to celebrate your birthday.”

She was completely caught off guard.

Her entire face lit up.

She grinned from ear to ear.

I had to get back onto the floor, but she came up to me a few minutes later, wrapped her arms around me and said:

“How do you know me so well?! I freaking love it so much.”

And I swear, I don’t know if I’ve ever seen her that happy in the entire time I’ve known her.

It melted my heart.

I’ve always loved doing nice things for people.

But somewhere along the way, my life turned into one where people started doing nice things for me, too.

And maybe that doesn’t sound monumental.

But to me?

It is.

A couple of years ago, I could barely hold a conversation.

There were times when it felt like whatever was supposed to be happening inside my head simply wasn’t happening anymore. I felt disconnected from myself, from other people, from the world around me.

I was surviving.

I wasn’t lighting up rooms.

I was trying to make it through them.

And now?

Somehow, I walk into rooms and people are happy to see me.

People ask to work with me.

People bring me flowers.

People hug me because I remembered their birthday.

And I get to go home knowing that maybe I made somebody else’s day a little brighter.

I don’t know exactly how I got here.

I really don’t. 😂

I just know I fought like hell to get here.

And I think that’s why I’ve been so determined to document these weeks.

Because my memory of some parts of my life feels like scattered photographs.

There are things written on this blog that I’m not even ready to go back and read yet.

This blog needs work.

It needs editing.

It needs organizing.

There are probably grammatical crimes occurring somewhere on this website as we speak.

But that’s okay.

Because this was never supposed to be a perfectly curated story.

It’s my scrapbook.

It’s proof that I was here.

That I learned this.

That I felt this.

That this tiny moment mattered to me.

I want to remember the flowers sitting beside me during an absolutely hellacious end-of-month.

I want to remember my friend’s face when I gave her that little box of crystals.

I want to remember that there was once a version of me who thought she needed someone else to choose her before her life could feel complete.

And I want to remember the version of me who eventually discovered that she could build a life she actually wanted to wake up for.

I think when I started this blog again, I misunderstood what the “magical stories of winning” were going to look like.

I thought winning would mean everything finally went right.

That eventually I’d reach this place where life stopped being so damn hard.

But maybe that’s not it at all.

Maybe the magic isn’t the absence of darkness.

Maybe it’s finally being able to see the light while you’re standing in it.

It’s getting absolutely destroyed at work and still noticing the flowers on your desk.

It’s protecting the life you’ve fought to build without feeling guilty for having boundaries.

It’s making someone else feel loved and realizing that love keeps finding its way back to you, too.

It’s surviving enough of your own darkness that one day you look around and realize:

Wait.

I’m the one bringing some of the light now.

Life isn’t always perfect.

In fact, I don’t think it’s ever going to feel completely perfect.

There will always be another end of month.

Another impossible file.

Another angry email.

Another week that stretches me further than I thought I could go.

There will be grief.

There will be stress.

There will be moments when I wonder what the hell I’m doing.

But there will also be Barbie flowers.

There will be hugs.

There will be ridiculous little boxes of crystals.

There will be people who appreciate me.

There will be laughter.

There will be another drive home where I realize I survived something I wasn’t sure I could handle.

And there will be me.

Still here.

Still sober.

Still learning.

Still becoming.

Still finding reasons to love this strange little life I’ve built.

Every day, I pray that I can be a light in this world.

For a long time, I think I imagined that meant I had to do something huge.

Something profound.

Something unmistakably important.

But lately I’m starting to think being a light is much simpler than that.

Maybe it’s answering chaos with kindness.

Maybe it’s bringing someone a birthday present because you couldn’t be there.

Maybe it’s noticing somebody else's efforts and giving them flowers.

Maybe it’s protecting your own peace so fiercely that you finally have some left to give away.

I fought so hard to become this version of myself.

And lately, even when everything around me is an absolute disaster, my life still feels a little magical.

Not because the hard things stopped happening.

They definitely didn’t.

Monday morning is coming to prove that. 😂

But because somewhere along the way, I stopped waiting for life to become perfect before I allowed myself to love it.

And maybe that’s the win I’ve been writing about this entire time.

I didn’t finally find a life without darkness.

I became someone who knows how to find the light.

XOXO

B

Dancing On My Own

08/14/2026

Have y'all seen Voicemails for Isabella on Netflix?

It's cute.

There are scenes at the beginning and the end of the movie where the main character has these little dance parties to Robyn's Dancing On My Own, and for some reason, those scenes really got me.

They made me emotional.

But they also made me laugh.

Because every single time one came on, I found myself thinking,

"Oh my gosh... that's literally me."

Truthfully though...

I've been having those little dance parties long before I ever watched that movie.

Today at 7:00 PM, I walked out of work after one of the most mentally exhausting weeks I've had in a long time.

I climbed into my car, started it, and before I even pulled out of the parking lot, Robyn's Dancing On My Own came on. I immediately thought, "Yep... this is exactly like the movie."

The volume went up.

The windows stayed up.

And my drive home officially became my own little concert.

You know the kind.

The ones where you're the only person in the car singing every word like the artist somehow wrote the song just for you.

😂

Then...

Out of absolutely nowhere...

I started bawling.

Not sad tears.

Happy tears.

Like... really happy tears.

The kind that completely catch you off guard.

The kind where you're sitting there thinking,

"Where the heck did THAT come from?"

Because if I'm being honest...

This week was pretty rough.

Not because anything terrible happened.

It was just one of those weeks where I felt like I was carrying everyone else's stress.

For the first time since I started this job, I remember leaving work earlier this week thinking,

"Dang... I really don't want to do that again tomorrow."

That thought honestly surprised me.

Because I genuinely love my job.

I love the fast-paced chaos.

I love solving problems.

I love figuring things out.

I love getting to make money doing something I'm actually really freaking good at.

And there is honestly no better feeling than getting a loan Clear to Close.

Back when I was processing Streamlines, there were days I'd get ten CTC's in one day.

I swear it felt like I'd won the freaking Olympics.

😂

But this week reminded me that even something you love can wear you out.

Right now, I'm working with two brokerages that could test the patience of a saint.

Every email felt like opening a mystery box.

You honestly never knew what was about to happen next.

One of my coworkers told me about an email they got this week that simply said,

"Raise the loan amount please advise"

...

Y'all...

I laughed so hard I almost couldn't breathe.

Because...

Please advise WHAT?

Raise it to what?

Why?

Based on what?

🤣

At some point this week, the simple incompetence of people confidently asking for things they couldn't even explain—and barely managing a coherent sentence while doing it—became funny instead of frustrating.

I guess that's growth...

Or maybe I was just too tired to be mad anymore.

I don't know why, but that email perfectly described how this entire week felt.

Then yesterday, one of our Account Managers officially reached her breaking point.

She walked over to my trainer's desk, leaned halfway across it, stretched her entire arm out, held her middle finger right in front of his face, and said,

"Now I'm about to tell them to go **** themselves."

The office got quiet.

Nobody laughed.

She wasn't trying to be funny.

She was genuinely overwhelmed.

Later that night though...

I couldn't stop laughing about it.

Not because she was upset.

Because every single one of us knew exactly how she felt.

Sometimes life gets so ridiculous that all you can do is laugh.

So needless to say...

I wasn't the only one feeling the pressure this week.

But then something happened that completely changed my outlook.

Thursday morning, the Account Executive I worked with the most while I was processing Streamlines who also funds hundreds of millions of dollars every year went to my new boss and requested that I become her personal Account Manager once I finish training.

She basically said,

"I know everyone loves working with Brittany, and I want to claim her for my brokers."

Y'all...

That absolutely melted my heart.

One of the coolest things about becoming good at what you do is that people eventually start asking to work with you.

Since I'm still in training, I can't go back to all my old brokerages just yet.

I'm simply not ready.

But after that conversation...

My pipeline slowly started filling with her brokers instead of the brokerages that had been wearing me out over the past several weeks.

Coincidence?

Maybe.

God hearing my very dramatic prayer the night before?

I'm choosing that version.

🤣

I know this probably all sounds silly.

Mortgage processing isn't exactly the most glamorous thing to write about.

But this is my life.

And this blog has become my little scrapbook of healing.

One ordinary Friday at a time.

Somewhere during my drive home, while I was singing every word to Dancing On My Own, I realized something.

Years ago, that song made me think I'd always be the girl who got overlooked.

Maybe in love.

Maybe in life.

I thought I'd always be waiting for someone else to choose me.

Today...

It means something completely different.

I choose me.

Somewhere in the middle of all the chaos this week, I learned something.

I can't control whether people are kind.

I can't control whether they read my emails.

I can't control whether they make my job harder than it has to be.

What I can control is whether I let them steal the person I've worked so hard to become.

So...

Let them.

Let people be rude.

Let people be irrational.

Let people be mean.

Let people create unnecessary chaos.

Let them.

I've worked way too hard to let someone else's behavior dim the light I've fought so hard to find.

I've cried so many freaking tears to become this version of me.

I let myself down.

I disappointed myself.

I lied to myself.

I hurt myself.

I punished myself.

But somehow...

I never completely gave up on myself.

And I think that's why I cried today.

Not because work was hard.

Not because the week wore me out.

Not because Robyn somehow knows exactly how to hit every emotion.

😂

I think I cried because somewhere along the way...

I built a life and a version of myself that I actually really freaking love.

And maybe that's why I'm so happy dancing on my own.

Today I walked out of work feeling like a freaking badass.

Not because everything went flawlessly.

It absolutely didn't.

But because I can literally feel myself getting better every week.

I am about to have a huge push through in my pipeline and I am ecstatic.

I'm learning.

I'm getting faster.

I'm asking better questions.

Sometimes even my managers have to stop and go find the answer.

Not because I'm trying to stump anybody.

But because I'm growing.

And honestly...

My own potential excites the crap out of me.

Then one last thought hit me.

A few years ago, going home to an empty apartment on a Friday night would've sounded lonely.

Today...

It sounds peaceful.

Because I'm happy.

Not fake happy.

Not "everything is perfect" happy.

Just genuinely, deeply happy.

Years ago, I listened to Dancing On My Own and heard loneliness.

Today...

I hear freedom.

Maybe I'm still dancing on my own in love.

But in life?

I feel like I'm absolutely killing it.

And honestly...

That feels pretty incredible.

💛

XOXO

B

My Anxiety Is a Liar

08/07/2026

If I had to sum up the biggest lesson I learned this week in a few words, it would be this:

My anxiety is a liar.

This week kind of felt like I was continually being spun around and pushed toward a piñata. Half of me was desperately trying to gain enough mental clarity to figure out where the hell the piñata even was, while the other half was completely convinced I was strong enough to find the target and hit it anyway. 🤣 🤣

It’s a weird place to exist—being simultaneously unsure of yourself and incredibly sure of yourself.

And somehow, both versions of me existed at the exact same time all week. 🤣

Since y'all are going to hear me talk (probably way too much) about my job, I should explain what I do. I'm an account manager, which is essentially a mortgage loan processor for full-qualification government loans. I’m the direct point of contact between the lender and the broker. It’s incredibly fast-paced, incredibly detail-oriented, and, if I’m being honest… sometimes incredibly stressful.

This week I had my very first one-on-one on my new team with one of the managers.

Right now, because I’m still in training, I basically have four different people evaluating me. So even though I felt confident, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous. It wasn’t just one person’s opinion that mattered—it was the overall consensus of an entire leadership team.

The meeting actually went great.

He told me they all thought I was doing phenomenal.

They’d already signed me off in certain areas of training.

Everything was exactly what I hoped to hear.

Then, at the end of the meeting, he asked if I had any questions.

Of course I did.

I told him I’d noticed my pipeline shrinking—from four loans a day… to three… to two—and I explained that I was a high-volume processor. I wanted to know what their long-term plan was because I hoped my loan cap would be much higher than what they had originally planned.
He smiled and said, “I love the ambition. I’ll talk to leadership and see what we can do.”

Well…

Be careful what you ask for.

Within what felt like thirty minutes, I went from sitting there cool as a cucumber to wondering if I was about to have a full-blown panic attack.

My pipeline exploded.

That night my anxiety convinced me I had completely shot myself in the foot.

“What did I just do?”

“Why did I ask for more?”

“I’m still learning these loans.”

“I’m going to embarrass myself.”

“I finally got everyone’s respect… and now I’m about to lose it.”

By the next day I was completely in my own head.

Then something happened that I never saw coming.

The highest escalations manager in the company sent a message to my bosses and me.

She said they had just finished their weekly meeting with the very brokerage that had been testing every ounce of my patience the week before.

Their feedback?

They absolutely loved working with me.

They said I was quick to respond.

They said I was efficient.

Kind.

Y’all…

This isn’t a brokerage that hands out compliments.

Ever.

I work so hard to be a breath of fresh air in an industry that can be incredibly aggressive, and hearing that made my entire week.

Ironically…

It also made my anxiety louder.

Instead of thinking, “You’re doing great,” my brain immediately went to, “Well… now you really can’t mess this up.”

Email after email kept rolling in.

I could feel my stomach climbing into my throat.

My chest tightened.

The room felt like it was spinning.

I became convinced that my confidence was about to blow up in my face.

Then came another difficult day.

Several files were getting hammered, especially one where a broker was trying—for the fourth week—to overturn a denial.

Y’all…

I want loans to close because that’s how I make money.

But I am not Jesus.

I cannot turn water into wine.

At some point, a declined loan is still a declined loan.

This broker had ignored emails.

Ignored conference calls with the underwriter.

Ignored documentation requests.

Then kept coming back asking me to somehow make the impossible happen.

Finally, I looked at my trainer and asked,

“Who has my back?”

"When what I'm saying isn't being heard, who do I escalate this to?"

His answer surprised me.

He basically said…

“No one.”

The philosophy was that they wanted brokers to respect the Account Manager enough that there wasn’t anyone else to go to.

I understood the reasoning.

But it didn’t sit right with me.

I know I do a good job.

I know I work incredibly hard.

But if my back is against the wall, I need to know my leadership is standing behind me.

Without even meaning to, old Brittany came out for about thirty seconds.

I met his gaze and said...

“So what you’re telling me is no one is going to have my back, and I’m completely on my own? Because if that’s the case… maybe this company isn’t the right fit for me.”

Now before y’all picture me flipping tables…

I wasn’t rude.

I’ve somehow mastered the art of saying things that are probably a little bolder than people expect while smiling.

People leave the conversation wondering what just happened.

🤣

But underneath that smile…

I was hurting.

I went to lunch and cried.

My old manager made me feel supported.

That support gave me confidence.

Losing that safety net scared me more than I wanted to admit.

Even worse…

The second I said those words, my anxiety immediately started attacking me.

“You shouldn’t have said that.”

“They’re going to think you’re difficult.”

“You just ruined everything.”

When I came back from lunch, my trainer pulled me aside.

He had spoken with leadership.

He had seen the situation unfold over the past few weeks and he agreed it was becoming ridiculous and did need to be escalated.

They didn’t want me to feel alone and they wanted me to know they would support me.

That meant more to me than they probably realize.

Because it showed me something I didn’t know I needed to learn.

I can advocate for myself.

I can set boundaries.

I can respectfully disagree.

And I don’t automatically self-destruct because I speak up.

That realization was almost bigger than the conversation itself.

Then, just to top it all off…

Over the next two days I completely caught up.

I walked out of work with every task finished and nothing waiting for me Monday morning.

So after all of the panic…

After all of the catastrophizing…

After every story my anxiety tried to tell me…

Reality looked completely different.

That’s when it hit me.

My anxiety has a very active imagination.

It loves writing stories about my future.

The only problem is…

It has a terrible success rate.

Week after week, it tells me:

“You can’t handle this.”

“You’re going to fail.”

“You said the wrong thing.”

“You’re not strong enough.”

And week after week…

I keep proving it wrong.

Life isn’t always easy.

My job isn’t always easy.

Growth definitely isn’t easy.

But maybe it’s time I stop listening so closely to the loudest voice in the room.

Because it turns out…

The loudest voice isn’t always the most truthful.

And if this week taught me anything…

It’s that my anxiety is a liar.

Thankfully…

I’m finally starting to believe myself more than I believe it.

XOXO

B

God, Please Give Me Patience

08/01/2026

This week wasn’t exactly lollipops and rainbows.

If I’m being honest, it had more hard days than amazing ones. There were moments where I questioned myself, moments where I felt exhausted, and moments where I wondered if I was ever going to stop being tested.

A few weeks ago, I remember saying out loud, “God, please give me patience.”

My coworker looked me dead in the eyes and, in all seriousness, said, "I never pray for patience. You know how God gives you patience? He tests you."

I had never really thought about it like that. 🤣

Well… God definitely accepted that prayer.

This past week felt like one giant patience test.

The thing I love most about this new version of myself, though, is that no matter how much life tests me, I genuinely handle myself differently now.

The old me would’ve let frustration dictate my mood. I would’ve reacted emotionally. I would’ve carried every annoying conversation, every stressful moment, and every obstacle home with me.

This week I made a different decision.

More than once, I found myself staring at my computer after another frustrating email. I could feel my patience wearing thin. I wanted people to simply read what I had already explained. I wanted to be understood. Instead of reacting, I took a breath, reread my response, softened my tone, and reminded myself that the goal wasn’t to win an argument—it was to solve the problem.

No one around me probably realized those were victories.

But I did.

I decided to be strategic instead of emotional.

I decided to be kind, even when my patience was wearing thin.

I decided to look at every obstacle as a lesson instead of a punishment. Every frustrating interaction became an opportunity to become wiser rather than bitter.

Nothing about this week felt magical.

Nothing particularly marvoulous happened.

But I am incredibly proud of the person I chose to be during the hard days.

Sometimes growth doesn’t look exciting.

Sometimes growth looks like staying calm when you want to scream.

Sometimes growth looks like taking a deep breath before hitting “send.”

Sometimes growth looks like choosing your character over your emotions.

And sometimes, no one else notices those moments except you and God.

That is exactly what this week was.

One of my favorite moments every single week is getting off work Saturday night after my shift at Olive Garden.

There’s something so peaceful about it.

I know I finished another week.

I know I showed up, even on the days I didn’t feel like it.

I know I did things I didn’t necessarily want to do because I am building the life I want—not the life that’s easiest.

And then comes my favorite part.

I know I have the next day off.

It’s like my soul lets out one long, peaceful sigh, followed by a tiny happy dance full of gratitude.

As I drove home, I could finally feel the weight of the week lifting off my shoulders. My mind became quiet enough to notice the world around me instead of replaying everything that had happened.

Tonight, the moon was almost full.

Not quite.

Just enough to glow brilliantly above the mountains.

Everything was so quiet.

The night almost felt mystical.

Peaceful.

Still.

There was a time when a drive like that would’ve made my heart ache because I wished someone else was sitting in the passenger seat.

I would’ve driven home thinking about who wasn’t there instead of appreciating what was.

Tonight felt different.

For the first time in a long time, my heart didn’t ache because no one was waiting for me when I got home.

It didn’t hurt that I live this life alone.

I simply enjoyed the moment.

Sometimes I honestly don’t know how I managed to become someone who naturally sees the glass half full.

But I am so thankful.

Baby girl…

Thank you for fighting your demons hard enough that they no longer get to haunt every beautiful moment.

Thank you for refusing to give up.

Thank you for giving yourself a second chance.

I am so unbelievably grateful that I get to believe life is beautiful again, even when most of it is simply me, myself, and I.

When I got home, I curled up with one of my favorite books. Every day has a Bible verse followed by a short devotional, and it felt like the perfect way to end a week that had challenged me so much.

The verse for August 1st was Romans 6:13:

“Offer yourselves to God, as those who have been brought from death to life.”

The devotional talked about trusting the One who died for you. Trusting Him enough to believe He knows the path that is best for your life.

It felt almost too perfectly timed.

After spending an entire week trying to surrender my reactions instead of my circumstances, I came home to a reminder that surrender has been the lesson all along.

My life may be quieter than I once imagined.

Sometimes it’s lonely.

But I no longer feel alone.

Because my Savior has carried me this far.

And I know He isn’t about to leave me now.

Maybe I don’t have a person beside me every single day.

Maybe I don’t have a best friend waiting for me when I walk through my front door.

But I have a God who loved me enough to send His only Son to die for me.

For all of us.

Is there really a greater love I could ask for?

I love these little reminders.

The ones that pull me out of my own tunnel vision.

The ones that remind me there is a much bigger story unfolding than the one I can see today.

For so long I believed my heart was breaking because I would be alone forever.

Now I realize…

My heart wasn’t breaking.

It was healing.

Healing enough to stop confusing solitude with abandonment.

Healing enough to realize I have never walked through any of this alone.

My Father in Heaven has loved me through every broken season, every impossible chapter, every tear I thought would never stop falling.

And when the time is right—when He knows my heart is ready—the right kind of love will find me.

Until then…

I already have the greatest love I could ever ask for. ❤️

XOXO

B

Last Night, He Came Back

7/26/26

Life is really, really good.

If you’ve been following my journey, you know those are words I never thought I would genuinely say. I wake up excited for work. I’m building a future I’m proud of. I’m writing again. I’m dreaming again. For the first time in a long time, I trust myself.

But healing has a funny way of working.

The happier I become, the more I find myself opening old boxes I packed away years ago. Not because I want to live there again, but because I’m finally strong enough to look inside.

Last night I had a dream about M.

In the dream, he was giving me a back massage. If you knew us, you’d know that was one of the sweetest parts of our relationship. He gave me back massages almost every night for what felt like hours. I honestly don’t think a man has given me a massage since. (Maybe I should raise my standards. 😂)

At first the dream felt comforting.

Then everything changed.

He started pressing into one tiny spot on my back. Hard.

I told him, “Okay…that hurts.”

He kept pushing.

“Seriously…that really hurts.”

He didn’t stop and he even started to laugh.

“Please stop.”

Still nothing.

Eventually I was screaming.

“STOP!”

The pain felt so unbelievably real that it actually woke me up.

I lay there in bed for a minute trying to catch my breath.

What shook me wasn’t the massage.

It was what it represented.

There was never really a “stop” with him.

No matter how clearly I communicated that something hurt, no matter how much fear was in my voice, my boundaries often didn’t matter. He didn’t see them. He crossed lines that should never be crossed. He would push past what was physically acceptable, what was emotionally acceptable, what was humanly acceptable.

I spent years trying to protect myself from someone who never seemed to understand that I was a person worthy of protection.

It’s strange how a dream can transport you back to a feeling you haven’t felt in years.

Not the memories.

The feeling.

The helplessness.

The fear.

The desperate hope that someone would hear you say “stop.”

When I woke up, I realized something else.

Today, I don’t have to keep screaming.

Today, I am safe.

Today, nobody gets to ignore my boundaries.

Today, I choose who has access to my life, my heart, my body, and my peace.

That realization is one of the greatest gifts healing has given me.

The dream didn’t mean I was moving backward.

It reminded me just how far I’ve come.

Years ago, fear was my normal.

Today, fear only visits me in dreams.

And when I wake up, I wake up to a life that I built myself.

A peaceful one.

One where “no” means no.

One where “stop” is enough.

One where I am finally free.

So much of my old writing is about losing M.

Back then, that’s how I understood it.

Looking back now, I see it differently.

The hardest truth I’ve ever had to accept is that I didn’t survive because he changed.

I survived because he died.

As devastating as that sentence is, it is also the truth.

His death was the only thing that truly saved me.

Xoxo

B

The Little Things That Saved My Life

7/25/2026

Today wasn’t extraordinary.

I didn’t climb a mountain.

I didn’t win the lottery.

I didn’t have some life-altering moment.

I woke up.

And for the first time in a long time, I simply… lived.

I got out of bed and took a shower.

That probably sounds ridiculous to someone who has never struggled with anxiety, depression, or the weight of simply existing. But if you’ve ever been there, you know exactly what I mean. Sometimes the hardest thing you’ll do all day is convince yourself to get in the shower.

I used to procrastinate everything.

Showering.

Eating.

Cleaning.

Answering texts.

The longer I waited, the more guilty I felt. The guilt turned into anxiety, and the anxiety made the task feel even bigger. It was a vicious cycle that I didn’t know how to escape. Every unfinished task became another reminder that I wasn’t okay.

I spent years believing something was wrong with me.

Today was different.

I woke up, turned on the shower, and got in.

No internal battle.

No negotiating with myself.

No promising I’d do it “in an hour.”

I just… did it.

Afterward, I ordered breakfast.

I sat there feeling clean, peaceful, and grateful.

It’s funny how the smallest moments can feel like miracles when you’ve spent years fighting your own mind.

People often think healing looks dramatic. They picture someone landing their dream job, finding the perfect relationship, or waking up one day completely transformed.

But healing usually looks much quieter than that.

It looks like making your bed because you want to.

It looks like eating because your body deserves nourishment.

It looks like taking care of yourself without guilt.

It looks like waking up and realizing your mind is no longer your enemy.

For so much of my life, I believed happiness was waiting somewhere outside of me. I thought it lived in another person, another relationship, another accomplishment, another destination.

I kept chasing the next thing that I thought would finally make me feel whole.

What I’ve learned is that peace doesn’t usually arrive with fireworks.

Sometimes it arrives in warm water running over your shoulders.

Sometimes it arrives in the feeling of clean hair.

Sometimes it arrives in a breakfast you ordered because you decided you were worth taking care of.

And somehow, those tiny moments become the foundation of an entirely different life.

If you’ve read my blog for a while, you know there was a time when I wasn’t sure I wanted to keep living.

That version of me feels like a different person now.

She deserved love.

She deserved hope.

She deserved another chance.

I’m so thankful she stayed.

Because today, I caught myself thinking something I never imagined I would say.

I love this version of me.

Not because I’m perfect.

Not because I’ve figured everything out.

Not because life is suddenly easy.

I love this version of me because she finally chooses herself.

She gets up.

She showers.

She eats.

She works hard.

She laughs more.

She trusts herself.

She believes tomorrow can be even better than today.

The beautiful thing about healing isn’t that your life suddenly becomes perfect.

It’s that ordinary days begin to feel extraordinary.

And maybe that’s what happiness was all along.

Not a destination.

Not another person.

Not perfection.

Just waking up one morning, taking a shower without fighting yourself, ordering breakfast, and realizing…

Life feels beautiful again.

If you’re reading this while you’re still in the middle of your own battle, I want you to know something.

Don’t underestimate the little victories.

Getting out of bed matters.

Brushing your teeth matters.

Taking a shower matters.

Ordering yourself food matters.

Choosing yourself matters.

Those little victories don’t stay little forever.

One day you’ll look back and realize they were the moments that quietly rebuilt your life.

Today reminded me that healing isn’t loud.

Sometimes it whispers.

And today, I finally heard it.

XOXO

B

Fan-Girling Over Myself (And I Think That’s Okay)

7/24/2026

Okay y’all…

I am absolutely fan-girling over myself right now.

If you’re reading this, you’ve probably read my writing before. You’ve seen the broken parts. The shattered parts. The girl who honestly wasn’t sure she wanted to keep going.

Today?

I got my first Full Doc VA Cash-Out Clear to Close in nine business days in my new position at work.

The national average is around 32 days.

I am literally sitting here doing a happy dance.

When people ask me how I went from where I was a year ago to where I am today, I almost don’t know how to answer because it still feels unbelievable sometimes.

For so long, I thought happiness was something another person could give me.

I thought if I could just find the right man…the right relationship…then I’d finally be okay.

I was wrong.

There was a point in my life where I was in such a dark place that I genuinely questioned whether I wanted to keep living. During that season, I had a realization that changed everything.

I realized I had two choices.

I could let that darkness define the rest of my story…

Or I could completely rebuild my life.

Not pieces of it.

Everything.

So that’s what I did.

It wasn’t glamorous.

It wasn’t quick.

It wasn’t easy.

It was brutal.

There were days I didn’t think I’d ever climb out of the hole I was in. Days where surviving felt like the biggest accomplishment.

But I kept choosing one more day.

One more step.

One more chance.

And eventually, those tiny decisions became a completely different life.

Today I’m breaking records at work.

I’m healthier.

I’m happier.

I’m proud of myself.

Not because I got lucky.

Not because someone came along and saved me.

Because I evolved.

Because I decided I wasn’t going to look backward anymore.

Because I refused to give up on the girl I was becoming.

This isn’t the end of my story.

Honestly, I think it’s just the beginning.

And I cannot wait to see what else this life has in store for me.

XOXO

B

The Sickness Of Unhealthy Love

June 2023

After M's Death

Here is to all the prayers I cried through, wondering if God—or the universe—was listening.

Let me be the first to say it.

I hated the way I felt.

I just wanted to die and be with M.

I couldn't help it.

I was so tired of life—tired of the constant setbacks, the failures, the struggles that never seemed to turn into real victories.

There I was again, with absolutely nothing.

No money.
No plan.
No desire.
No motivation.

I loved God too much to end my own life, but God, I didn't want to be here.

For what?

I felt like I had nothing left. No answers. No hope. No light.

I didn't want to wake up the next morning. I didn't want to face another cold, lonely day. The loneliness. The sadness. The silence. The feeling of standing outside the world, watching everyone else live inside it. Everyone seemed to have someone.

I had no one.

Sometimes I would catch a tiny glimpse of hope—a small flicker of light—but it disappeared almost as quickly as it came. Going to sleep made me feel unbearably lonely, so I developed a new form of self-sabotage: I tried to stay awake for days at a time. It worked for a little while, until it only made me hate my life even more.

I knew God had carried me this far, but in moments like those, the pain ran so deep that I simply wanted it to stop.

I thought about my job. Everyone clocked out and went home to someone. What was the point of leaving work when there was nowhere to go, no one waiting, and no one who truly seemed to care?

The memories were everywhere.

Mexican food made me cry.

Almost anything reminded me of him.

I believed being alone was strength, but more than anything, I wanted just one person I could trust. One person I could hug. It felt strange how desperately I craved simple human closeness.

I hated myself.

I hated everything I did.

In moments like that, I couldn't imagine ever being happy again.

Truthfully, I wasn't even sure I wanted to be.

I wanted to wave the white flag.

I felt like I didn't deserve my life because I was failing at it. I convinced myself everyone hated me. I couldn't keep my head above water, and I honestly felt ready to drown.

M didn't take everything from me.

I believed I had taken it from myself.

I imagined being buried beneath the earth, below the roots of the trees, my body finally still. Who would have thought that, at thirty years old, after everything life had handed me, the cold dirt of the earth would sound peaceful?

I truly didn't think I could take much more.

The thought of M passing into the afterlife was overwhelming.

He had chosen his poison long before death, but now those words carried a weight I never imagined.

I sat down at my desk to write—something I hadn't been able to do in what felt like forever.

I reached behind me, grabbed the can of compressed air, and dusted off my keyboard, my monitor, and my desk.

It felt symbolic.

Like I was dusting myself off.

Like I was choosing, even if only for a moment, to rise.

If I'm being completely honest, M was the love of my life in so many ways.

I hesitate to even write that because I never want to discredit the love I experience today.

I wouldn't trade the life I've built.

But for a sober M...

Maybe.

This probably won't make it into my book or my blog. Maybe pieces of it will, but this—this is for me.

And for M.

Maybe he'll read it from the other side.

Maybe it will bring us both some form of peace, even though we both know true closure was never really possible.

For there to have been closure, he would have had to change.

He would have become my husband.

The father of my children.

The man I loved every single day, forever.

Maybe even for eternity.

I can almost hear him laughing at my grammatical mistakes as I write this.

I hope he knows how hard this is.

I already missed him every day, but knowing he no longer walked the same earth as me was almost impossible to comprehend.

After seeing his girlfriend's post, I questioned everything.

Did he really love me?

If he could have come back completely sober, would he have chosen a life with me?

I wanted to believe he would have.

More than anything.

I questioned my own memories.

I could barely reach them anymore, as though they slipped away the moment I tried to hold them.

I had worked so hard to let go that accepting he was truly gone felt unbearable.

Numbing myself felt easier than trying to understand something my mind simply could not process.

What was real?

What was addiction?

Which words came from the man I loved, and which came from the disease?

Did he ever really love me?

I want to believe he did.

But I'll never truly know.

My heart aches for you.

But you're never coming back.

Do you remember when I told you I never wanted to see you again?

Not in this life.

Not in the next.

Not ever.

You and I both knew that wasn't true.

I loved you.

And I believe you loved me too.

In a broken, complicated, deeply devoted kind of way.

Sometimes I wonder if you somehow sacrificed yourself for me.

I wish it had been the other way around.

You brought a light into my life and into my soul that I don't think can ever truly be replaced.

No matter how toxic our love became.

I'll probably always hold onto the idea that if you had gotten sober, maybe I would have had everything I ever wanted.

But now that possibility no longer exists.

You no longer walk this green earth beside me.

So where do I go from here?

How do I find another light?

The only thing I know how to do is keep putting one foot in front of the other, hoping that eventually I'll stumble into something brighter.

Into a love that is gentle.

Steady.

Safe.

Pure.

Sometimes I secretly hold onto the thought that maybe, in another life, I'll get to be with you again.

It's probably unhealthy.

But it's honest.

So I keep walking.

One foot in front of the other.

Again.

And again.

Until one day I find myself somewhere brighter.

Somewhere different.

Somewhere beautiful.

People call those moments magical.

I think they're simply the hidden gems God leaves in plain sight.

The diamonds that only reveal themselves after we've allowed our eyes, our hearts, our minds, our trauma, and our pain to remain open long enough to see them.

They've been there all along.

Waiting for us to notice.

XOXO

B

You look...different.

The Past

Do not ever be ashamed of loving the strange little things that make your weird heart happy.

I bow to no one.

That stupid girl who came back here six months ago?

She's dead.

Thank God.

I never want to be that weak and broken again.

I want to get to a place where I don't second-guess everything I do, think, hear, or say. A world where I don't make myself smaller just to protect a man's ego. A world where I take shit from no one and stand second to none.

I don't know why God chose this life for me.

I'm still trying to figure that out.

Is it because I'm strong enough to carry it?

Is it because He knew I would survive it?

Or... literally why?

I have an amazing life in so many ways.

And yet my heart still aches.

Sometimes I swear I can physically feel the crack running straight through the middle of it.

The longing for someone to simply hold me.

I hate even typing that.

It feels weak.

Pathetic.

But it's honest.

Everyone I've ever loved has only given me a fraction of the love I poured into them.

I haven't talked to Matt in a while.

Neither of us really knew what to say.

So we just... stopped.

He was all I had for so long.

It was toxic.

It was abusive.

It was maddening.

It made me completely unstable.

Now I just feel cold.

Empty.

The crazy part is...

I just pulled off some seriously epic shit.

And I'm still sad.

The fact that I'm sad while my life is objectively becoming so freaking cool somehow makes me even sadder.

The real hero here is God.

I know I wouldn't be here without Him.

I know He carries me every single day.

Most days, I don't even think I'm strong enough to carry myself.

I want to be.

I think about what it's actually like to have someone.

Because the truth is...

I never really had M.

Writing that feels like someone just shoved a butcher knife through my chest.

The memories flash through my mind like a strobe light.

I just want them to stop.

Haven't I suffered enough yet?

Pity parties are pathetic.

I hope I'm getting close to the day I stop throwing myself one every single day.

This morning, before work—while wondering if I even still had a job, LOL—I listened to two of my old videos.

They hurt.

More than anything, I've always wanted someone to love me the way I love them.

A true life companion.

The saddest part isn't even losing M.

It's realizing I don't know how to let another human being get close to me anymore.

I don't even know how to be friends with people.

How am I supposed to imagine feeling safe enough to fall in love again?

I think that's what makes me so sad.

I don't know how to show people who I really am.

My real colors.

They're either seen...

Or they're not.

And most people never seem to see them.

Sometimes I think about how many people are going to sleep tonight with someone lying beside them.

Or someone they love just down the hall.

Then I think about how many nights I've gone to sleep completely alone.

It's not the silence that hurts.

It's the emptiness.

It's knowing how deeply I loved M...

And realizing he never loved me the same way.

Looking at my life from the outside for the first time is heartbreaking.

Some days the pain is so overwhelming that I honestly don't know how to be a normal person anymore.

I don't even know what happiness is supposed to feel like.

I mean...

I just absolutely spanked Mallory.

And I can't even fully enjoy it.

Maybe because it was never a battle I wanted to fight.

I just couldn't sit on the sidelines anymore while I knew damn well she was stacking my pipeline.

She messed with my money.

My mental health.

And she kicked me while I was already down.

That's a big no-no.

Too bad she's such a fool.

Everyone has different levels of common sense.

We'll just leave her story there.

I know God is real.

I know His love is real.

I know His grace is real.

He's brought me somewhere I never imagined I'd ever be.

And I trust that He has a plan for me.

My biggest fear is ruining it.

More than anything...

I wish someone I loved could just give me a hug.

Then I stop myself.

Because I don't even know who that person would be.

I don't know who I trust enough.

Who I feel safe enough with.

Who I feel important enough to ask.

I think...

That's what breaks my heart the most.

My heart still longs for M.

But the truth is...

M was never capable of loving me the way I loved him.

Not really.

He was the closest person I've ever had.

And even that wasn't real.

That realization...

Is earth-shattering.

Part of me still wants to believe I'll find my person someday.

The other part of me is exhausted.

Screw that.

Be cold.

Be independent.

Need no one.

Because when you need no one...

You fear no one.

And when you fear no one...

You have nothing left to lose.

Now that, my dear...

That is queen energy.

xoxo-

B

There is madness in her bloodline

The Past

I wonder what it would be like to wake up and not cry. To wake up and joyfully spring out of bed to tackle the day. How beautiful that would be. I am so tired of fighting myself to live. I found a corner on the roof that I could jump from, and it would likely kill me, but I could not be sure. For the ones who tried to save me, thank you. For the ones who never cared, I wish you realized that mental health was real. I wish I had realized the corner I was pushing myself into. I thought about it often, how peaceful it would be to dress up in a beautiful white gown, make-up done elegantly, red lipstick primed perfectly with lip liner. I could see myself laying there on the ground, so beautiful, so sad, and completely breathless and dead.

I know God is asking me to look to him for strength. I know that he is asking that I stop looking into the unknown and being afraid for it is only unknown to me. Edgar Allen Poe once said, “The boundaries which divide life from death are at best shadowy and vague. Who shall say where one ends, and where the other begins?” I try to convince myself that people give up on this earthly life because we focus so much on how far we must go and not how far we have truly gone. Your life can only be as good as your mindset, my mindset is shattered. I do not even know who I am anymore. I do not know who I was, and I do not know who I will be. How hard it is to trust myself and the light of this world when all I have from my past are reasons I shouldn’t. I want to be the queen I know I am in God’s kingdom, the queen that stands up to her demons.

I am fighting myself to find the inner strength that says, “I’ll dance with my demons and let them lead. And as soon as they think they are in charge; I’ll make them bleed.” I hold my own knife, no one else gets that power. I just happen to be in a nuclear war in my own mind between the light and dark parts of myself. Behind my smile is my shattered heart. Behind my laugh, I am falling apart. Behind my eyes are tears at night. And behind my body is a a shattered skeleton a woman. My wings are black, my halo is crooked and my halo is black. We each have a mission here on earth, mine is to wake up each day and fight the demons that left me so tired the day before. We are all here on earth to play the same game before judgment day, dealing with the same hell, just different devils.

My goal is to be so rooted in my inner being that no one’s absence or presence can disturb my inner peace. All the fire that has ever burned will someday turn me into gold. I have a madness in my bloodline, and today I am promising myself to realize I am not mud water. I am Essentia, Voss, and Fiji water. You are sparkling San Pellegrino damnit. We, as in me myself, I and my imposter syndrome must stop holding the knife stripping myself of my dreams because if my fears. Strong woman wear pain like stilettos, it is why I never leave the house without them, no matter how much they hurt, all you see if the beauty.

XOXO

B

Will it always hurt like this..

The Past

I can feel myself slipping.

I cannot help but be annoyed by myself.

I thought I had the pieces almost put together and it feels as if the whole surface holding the puzzle has completely disintegrated.

I loved M.

Too much.

So much that it would have killed me too.

I got to play pretend yesterday, my favorite game really.

I like to pretend that pain was never real, trauma was nonexistent, and the past wasn’t full of broken memories slipping between my finger tips.

Making the video of M was meant to be for healing but I am afraid it just ripped of the bandaid shielding a bleeding heart.

I am efficiently self aware enough currently that I understand what my brain is attempting to do, it is attempting to hit reset. To self sabotage.

4/4/22

Honestly all I can do right now is laugh.

Logan and I broke up, I fell last night at work, and I lost my book with everything I made last night and have three dollars for my two days off while I am short on rent.

Life what lesson are you trying to teach me in this brutal kickdown?

I am not sure if I turn to self blame or keep the firm belief that everything happens for distinctive purpose?

My stomach aches with hunger and my mind quickly realizes I now do not know where my phone is lol.

O Lord, please help me.

Everyone gets to say, my ex- he was the worst, if you ever see, insert asshole ex here, move that application to the pass on you and hire you never pile and avoid yourself the disaster. My ex ladies and gentlemen, lol no, he died.

I remember joking with L about how anything that happens to our lives feels like some Ashtun Kutcher prank, or some over dramatic movie that is extremely overdone with a plethora of dramatic ridiculous curveballs that make the synchronistic events just completely unrealistic. However, that’s my life- real time, no joke, all bullshit.

That was even before M died.

Which not only did I have the worst last 24 hours laughably I just received an email my dead ex is $530 behind on his phone bill.

Gucci. Oh, mine is 13 days past due too.

Where’s your money you breathing bitch?

Today- I see how absolutely ridiculous my life is. Not in a bad way even though everything that has happened to me lately is- well bad. I just must be special lol. This stuff doesn’t just happen to people. Perception feels like reality when you are in it- I am not letting my demons take me down to hell for me to cry gasoline tears unto the fire inside me. I am however, inviting them to dinner, to make them the best guests with the most magical memories. There will always be the good and bad dichotomy in life, light and dark, angel, or devil- I am always going to have half and half. I am choosing today and forever more. I Brittany, do attest.. please add more or forever hold your peace as we vow now and forever to…anyways I, Brittany, vow to buckle my demons up for the carriage to the ball. In this cinderella story, I am not missing any shoes. I am wearing my best stiletto, my gown is Dolce and Gababnna, my fairy Godmother watched from the stars as I lined my dark red lips and winged my last cat eye headed for the ball we call life with my trained as fuck spit fire ready to spew demons. Half angelic and half sinister, what you receive will be up to you. Truly depends what part of my sweet and savage mind gang you speak to, behave well.

Lol.

XOXO

B

Beauty, Brains, & a Bank Account

The Past

5/22/2021 @ 7:36 PM

May I remind you, dear sweeties, one cannot knock a queen off of a pedestal she built herself. No one has the ability to take away another's happiness, we rob that from ourselves. Thoughts are only thoughts, not substantial evidence of truth.

I am the woman that fixes another woman's crown without needing to tell her it was ever crooked. I am not afraid to put my pride in my pocket because I know my worth. We must never forget how rare we truly are.

Today, I feel oddly at peace today. Like as if I can feel my own energy shift. The full moon is coming. It seems to me when my energy is the highest. It was interesting because I was reading and listening to videos about clairsentients today and one characteristic they mentioned is that people who are clairsentients are heavily impacted by astrology and the moon cycle. On May 26th at 6:22 AM 2021 it will be a full moon. I am trying to really listen to myself, my thought, my feelings. I am trying to identify the habits and patterns I have that is causing me to stay low when I know it is my time to rise. The other day I was listening to something and the person speaking said something along the lines of, "What is yours in the universe cannot be taken from you, everything that you are meant to have will come, your actions, however, may prolong the process, they will not strip you from your destiny." I know by speaking to M, I am keeping myself from healing fully. It is hard. Hard to be okay to not have that comfort. It was never truly comforting though- shall we actually start being honest with ourselves of the reality of the past several years. It was merely a dangerous illusion. I realized I love to fantasize, love to dream, love to live in fairytales in my mind. It is good to have a child-like imagination. Unless those fantasies put you in danger. The danger of what your perception of reality is, the danger of trusting those who should not be trusted, the danger of seeing the evil beings as lights in the world, the danger of believing in someone who never believed in themselves, and danger of trying to save people who would never save you.

I heard my computer beeping to die, as I walked over to plug it in I had a flash back. The days of the studio. I do not even know how I survived. It made me think f the time he hid my laptop charger and wallet- I did not find them for six months. That may have even been the same day I went to the court house and filed a restraining order. I tried to leave. I did. No one knows what my life was like, what it felt like to make that effort for him to shred the papers in my face and tell me that a piece of paper would not save me, that he would always be watching me, he knew where to hide, and if I called the cps again- I would be very very sorry. In his own video taped words, "Do you want me to throw you off of a bridge, to break you in half? " M laughs an evil laugh as he sits naked on the bed stumbling to put on his socks with his dark black evil eyes piercing at me. "I dont want to, but I will." With a look of truth. He meant those words. And I knew he did too.

He hated himself and that caused him to punish me. M punished me for his own inherent hatred. No one knows what it is like to be in a situation where someone gives you the highest highs and the lowest lows but when you confront the reality, you go to the courthouse, you watch the sheriffs attempt to serve him the paperwork, you sleep in a hotel, drop your classes, you reach for any comfort, hope, light. You think you made a step forward and someone laughs in your face threatening to kill you LOL. I can laugh now, but only with a very sharp pain shooting through my heart. I do not know why I loved him but I do remember that I tried to leave. I did not have anyone. M did not leave if you asked him to leave. M did not care when he put me in a chokehold and slammed me on the bed while my family was in the next room with the door open. M did not hesitate to lie to the police officers that showed up after he bashed my head into the concrete to the point I believed I was going to die, he told the police officers attacked him- they asked him why his cuts had scabbed if they just happened (they were from one of his many many bike crashes obliterated over the years). M did not care about human decency, he did not care about anyone but himself, nor would he ever. I would have not believed someone before M that such a person even exists in this world. He took away my rose-colored glasses, he cracked my big heart in half, for the first time, my bitterness is fading & I am okay with the past. And Although M shattered me from the inside out, M made me a warrior, he made me a fighter, he taught me to look fear in the face, he taught me words & promises are the sweetest lies, he taught me to question everything, he taught me to find the truth of this life on my own two feet with my own mind. M made me so cracked, bruised, and broken that as I put myself back together, piece by piece, day by day, I am even slightly concerned about the savage queen I am becoming. May God have grace on anyone that tries to cause me harm because I sure as hell will not.

5/24/2021 6:32 PM

"She is a combination of sensitive and savage."

It seems as if I am in a strange stage of life whereas much as I am living and breathing, I often question if I am actually merely walking among the living, decaying from the inside out; dead. I am either too sensitive or too savage, always wildly naive or dangerously intelligent. I am fragile. Not like a flower though, like a bomb ticking in a gas canister, waiting to explode with the wrong gust of wind. I feel lonely being in my own world, but when I enter into others, I feel even more isolated, misunderstood, alone, & powerless. I am the kind of woman that reads the rule book and the code of conducts before I decide how I will go against the grain and break the rules. Often times, I feel like my mind is a wonderland and I am Alice. As I walk through life I realize that the mad-hatter never gave me the meticulously strategic map to find then end. I feel like I am tequila in a porcelain teacup- no salt or lime and truthfully, I hate tequila.

I laid back and stared at the ceiling. I was so nauseous, tears ran down my cheeks as I tried to numb my physical and mental pain. I wanted to be better, I wanted to be cured, I wanted to be happy. I knew well enough to know I was no done growing. As much as I felt strong, lolI was still so weak. I am so embarrassed to write what I am about to but maybe someday it will help me look back to identify unhealthy habits. I miss B, I hate that I miss him so much. I barely even know him. It is like my heart longs for things it has never known but also something that is not even real. I would probably not even like him but yet I cry over some fairty tale bullshit I concot in my head. I think a toxic trait I enjoy is when I cannot feel happiness, I make myself feel pain- that way I know I can still feel at all.

I just had a full blown tantrum. I was trying to sit on my couch but I can never get enough back support and the cshions never stay against the back of the couch, why?! Beats the hell out of me. It is brand new and I just started sitting on it abut three weeks about and I have had it since November. Anyway, back to the B bullshit. I am such a soul connection type of person. It is hard for me to think about how we managed to connect the way we did while we worked remote and its been almost a year and I think we have had a total of four loans together. He is a baby, I hate myself for holding on to him. Just like stefan was my soul mate- gag. I guess, maybe I wont even ever publish this part. Maybe its just for me to feel better but when I talk to him I just feel like he gets me. He probably doesnt- and I feel a sharp pain shoot through my heart when I write that because as much as I hate to think I am unworty of another human being loving me unconditionally for me- if they are even able to see who I am through all the twists and turns of the road map that makes me up, I hate that I could even let myself think of a glimmer of hope one more time to be left in the dark desolate cold. I feel like I am drawn to B in this crazy way but at the same time, maybe it is just the way I let myelf view "him." Maybe reality is a simulation, seems as if I make up all my own characters. Will I ever trust myself again? Trust my intuition? Do I even have good intuition? I think so but I do not really trust myself so I could not say indefinitely.

I guess in my make-believe illusion I am drawn to B because I think he embodies a man that is equivalent to me. I love how responsible he is but he is not uptight. I love that he is kind to people and that he cares about the goodness of the world. I love that he is a hard worker and that as much as he loves nice things he is humble. And as much as I could probably keep going I love that he is loyal. I would be really lucky to find a man like him someday, at least the way I perceive him. I remember telling him I was sick of being the girl in the back seat while I watched everyone else get what I thought I deserved. I think what makes it so hard is that I felt so connected to him, so comfortable with him, I mean I met him. I m shocked by that to this dayLOL. I can barely see my family. I want to believe there is something there that likely is not. I understand I probably wont be the girl that keeps him forever even though as I write these words I hope to someday be wrong, be sitting next to him, madly in love, reading him this vulnerably foolish bs. I just do not understand why my heart won't let go of him. I long for him in a way I have never longed for anyone truly. Almost like he holds the ever half of my heart and if I ever want to be fully in this life I would need to be in his arms to be completed. Maybe I would not be s broken if I did not let myself believe in so many different fairytales..

May my heart let go of the things that are not for me, so I can live for what is.

Xoxo-

B

5/25/2021 8:10 PM

You know, today I almost felt like this was my life.

Every day away from M I become a little more grounded. I wont ever be full again. How very boring that sounds anyway. Complete? No cracks? Normal? Average- no thank you. I am so different than any one I have ever met before. Alike to many in some ways

5/27/2021 11:24 PM

"She is divine, she is magic, she no longer needed validation from anyone but herself.

And it was then, she finally lived happy ever after."

Me with inspiration from pinterest

I caught myself today, sneaky me. I heard myself be....myself. I felt myself...be..myself. Who I thought I was anyway. When you really look at life, what is life even? Neurscientists say our brains are simmulations... (insert a better explanation). Go into detail about the existential meaning of life.

I caught myself being bubbly, socializing, acting without the rampid imposter syndrome attrocious thoughts clouding my mental clarity, as I walked through life as a walking panic attack, the way my brain processed life seemed like some slow motion sleep paralysis dream where evil creatures attacked me from every angle from the dark creepy black corners of the room. You know when you try to see things in the dark and it is so dark your mind makes things up, at least you tell yourself whatever weird thing you seem to be seeing is not really, is it thought? Sike, that is a different book. This one is about heart break, searching for my own soul while living in my body on this earth, it is about love, life, lessons, pain, trauma but also on the polar opposite end- it is about winning, conquering, failing but getting back up stronger. I do not have regrets about a single aspect of my life because I know that I am exactly where I am meant to be. I know that every trial, tribulations, traumatic experience, lonely nights I wiped my own tears for most of my life- I know each one of those experiences on my life jounrye had a butterfly effect. Whether it was the first flap of the butterflies wings or the 100 billionth flap of the butterflies wings, it always ends the journey being beutiful. I wuld not want to be the version of me that did not knw this pain. That version of me is weak, arrogant, niave, ...That version of me saw black and white- she did not even know the amount of power and strength that was inside her.

Bow to your highness folks.

Things only lighten up from here.

It is okay to be a saint AND a savage.

xoxo-

B

5/29/21 1:27 AM

I am sitting here in my apartment.

I have candles lit all around me.

My apartment in West Legacy Plano is quite beautiful. I feel like each milestone in my life marked by places I have called home, each home I love more and more. Like I am becoming more and more of who I truly am, deep inside my soul. I watch a myriad of different documentaries about unexplainable things about the world. What I mean specifically when I say "things about the world" I mean unexplained events, paranormal activity, extraterrestrial beings, reincarnation, the meaning of life, soulmates, etc. I feel a way I do not even know how to explain but it is positive but also frightened at how much I believe we as a society do not know. I feel like we as humans are at the bottom of the totem pole. So many therories of reality. It is all just swirling around in my mind. Today, after a week of not speaking. M texted me and said he got a new number. My heart dropped when I saw it but for the first time, deep in my soul, past my heart, I know whatever we had can only be a memory from here on out. For the better. I can proudly proudly say I do not know where I am going but I do believe in life, in God, in the light of the world. It is said to be an empath you chose this life to be a healer, to take on pain for the better good, I wonder truly if this is one of my many lives. If it is, I believe I am an old soul. I know this time is more than ncessary for my journey. I grow ever day. Not every day is easy, I am not always strong, but pain is necessary- I would never be who I am without it- I am proud of who I am. I am extrmely strong, people can think I am waek and I am finally okay with that. Think I am weak, you wuld not survive one day in my shoes love.

And that is why I will win- not because of anything other than the fact I know my heart has good intent, I care about people, I watch the way people treat eachother- the lack of empathy so many have for their fellow human beings, it is peculiar but I know I am different. I know I have protection, guidance, and love from unworldy forces and beings. I have faith in my purpose.

XOXO

B

Hurt me once, shame on you. Hurt me a million times shame on me..

The Past

First, I want to say on the New moon on June 11th for the first time ever I realized I was the only one that could make me feel better. I have been waiting thirty years to feel that strength. Baby, some days the past haunts you and it hurts so bad. The knives slice my heart, the blood pours all over the floor, but as soon as I reach to wipe it up, it disappears. Pain- I am giving it all to myself by letting my mind be consumed with negative thoughts. Let the past go, hun, there is no place for you there anymore. He hurt you- it still hurts. much much less but it does still hurt. Being broken is a choice, stop giving the bad days space in your life. At this point, it is all on you for who yu chose to be, how you chose to feel, and how you chose to perceive your life. Find that queen savage inside of you. And baby, from me to me- NEVER EVER EVER look back again.

Healing My Soul For My Future Self One Word At A Time

Present

Dear Future Husband

Angel of Mine

The Past

Now she really was my angel. It is July 25th, 2021. I cannot stop crying. I feel so terrible, I remember seeing her last call and I did not call her back. I always wanted to make sure this was not hw it all happened. The truth is my grandma and I were two in the same. We were both emotional empaths who struggled with the world around us that we never fit into. She understood me and I understood her. We both knew the loneliness life could bear. I was never not there because I did not love her with all of me. I was nt there because I too was fighting for my life. Right before my mother texted me, I was loanding a load of laundry- an angel pendant that said oeace fell out. When I picked it up and turned it over, it was an angle. My grandmother always sang to me about angels when I was younger, that was her saying goodbye before I even heard the news. I loved her with all of me, I wish I could have been stronger for both of us. I wish I could have saved her. I feel like I am justifying my actions of not being there mre with excuses like I was trying to save myself too but I really have been. Hangng on to my own life by a thread. I feel overwhelmed with emotions, with memories. Was this life. Why did she experince so much pain for that to be her ending? Why couldnt I have done more. I was telling Laurn about her earlier Saturday evening, how I would talk to her everyday growing u for at least two hours, that she was my best friend. That we just knew things and had a seacial gift others didnt. I guess when I think about it like that it makes me think of the concept I stumbled on recently that I am a light worker. That I came her on this earth to compute negative energy into positive energy, to take on this life of pain and hardship for the greater good of humnaity here on earth. I believe what I am so was my grandmother. I knew to a high degree the pain and loliness she felt. I knew what it was like to be more emotional than anyone around us could ever understand. And sometimes I was mad at her for not being stronger but sitting her now I know she fought her best fight. I just cannot get over the fact I could not be strong enough to fight for her. I hope she knows I love her so much, I was never noth there because I did not care. Not even for one second.I remember begging my grandpa to buy her a porceline doll growing up. I just wanted her to have that doll so bad. Right now, I just wanted to be able to give her a different life and ending so bad. I cannot understand how evry moment led up to this one. God, please take care of my grandmother, I am going to miss her so much, even though she has not been her in a long time. I know how she felt inside and it breaks me to the core I could not save her. From the day I threw her pill in the pasture to this very day- I only ever wanted to take away her pain and give her genuine happiness. She was beautiful to me, inside and out. Her voice will stay forever in my mind and her beautiful soul will forever be in my heart. I do not want to accept this. Not on tp of everything else going on. I pray she is happy because I know she wasnt. I know her life wwas sad and lonely and just like I use substances to run from reality so did she. I get her more than any other living being, I miss her already, I hate myself for nt clling. I hope she knows how much I love her. How highly I think of her ad how much I wish I could have done and shown it more. I am not ready to let go, I do not want her to leave me. althoug I kneow she never will, I just wantted to be stronger for both of us. God- please take care of her. I just want her to be happy and I want her to know how much I loved her and always will. I cannot wait to see her again, for us to be reunited for eternity. The reality that she came and said goodbye- it breaks me and awes me all at the same time. I love you grandma. You are and always be so special to me, I just dont want you to leave me here alone. I want more than anoyhting to hear her voice when eveyrday befoe I could have- that is what kills me. A part of me wants to go with her, to leave behind this painful life. I just miss her so much already even though I knew a part of her is here with me. I love you grandma. I dont know how to do this life but I just pray you no longer feel pain and lonliness. I just love you so much- you have always been my angel. I hope your soul is free. I would do anything for you and I will hold tight to my heart that we will be reunited someday. Words cannot even express how I feel I just miss you so much and I am so scared to live this life without you...I love you, grandma. Always and forever. When I saw the angel pendant this eveing, I knew it meant so,ething- I just dint think it would be this. May this all be the way it is suposed to be, may you know the love I will eernally have for you, and may your soul be reunited with your loved ones in heaven- I pray God hugs you tight and you fell the joy I always believed you deserved here on earth. I love you, grandma. Forever and always.

Greif

The Present

If you simply cannot understand why someone is grieving so much, for so long, then consider yourself fortunate that you do not understand.

Imagine living with a screaming inside of you but no one hears it. That is grief. What people don't talk about as much is that to heal trauma you have to grieve a lot. You need to grieve the life you didn't have, the love you didn't get, the years you lost, the way you treated yourself and others. We don't like to feel this way, so that's why most people avoid it. They suppress it. They disassociate. They stay frozen in their grief for years and won't even know it. However, it will show up in their lives as depression, stagnancy, and as a disconnection from emotions and relationships. Confronting grief is some of the most difficult emotional work that a person can ever do. It is also the only way through to the healing process because without that grieving, without that letting go, the trauma stays with you. It poisons your body, your mind, and your spirit. It makes you keep reliving and re-creating the past as if it's still present. The only way out of this pain is by deep diving into the emotions that were never safe before for you to feel when the trauma happened. If you can feel those emotions, it's a sign that you are already healing. "You can't heal what you don't feel," has a profound truth in it. When we feel, we remember our souls again. We regain connection to life and all that it is. When we grieve, we heal our hearts and our connection to God and every other being. Underneath all the feelings you don't want to feel is your aliveness, your vitality, your laughter, your love for life and your love for other and your soul. Grieving is a soul retrieval where you dive into the darkness, to recover the truth of who you are.

New Day, New Dawn

The Past

It has been a minute. I do not mean to disappear. From anyone or anything, truly. It just happens, the twist and turns of life inevitabe cause the detattchment, the disasscoiation.

It is July 31, 2021. My heart is aching, it seems it always is and probably forever will be. I want to cry but that only makes the lingering exponentially growing pain more evident. I wish I could cry, I wish my tears would burn my face like the tears were gasoline, my face-fire. I wish the combination of the two would ignite my body, mind, and soul. I wish that as I burned alive, my body would desinegrate to ash, and as wind would unequivocally blow again, my ashes would finally fly freely into this land we call home. It is not home to me, it is a reminder of the coldness, loniliness and bitterness of our time here on earth. Not for everything. For me though, definitely

I don’t want to die but I don’t want to be alive.

I think I may have put this on myself.

By doubting myself by mourning M’s death by taking addy two days

Fuck man

I don’t know

Like everyone is mad at me because of my pain that I don’t fucking want

I don’t want to even exist let alone be punished and be an annoyance for something completely out of my control that I would do anything to fix.

I want to go to work, I just don’t know if I physically can.

Each time I have been debilitated by this pain I have been able to get back up, its just when I’m in the cycles and harsh flare up

I remember vividly deciding in that hospital to leave the broken me there. To let go of the past and the pain.

I have been doing so well.

After hearing of M’s death, hitting another flare up. I have no light left again.

I don’t want to kill myself but I also have nothing to live for.

I finally was able to let go of the past the best I could and the story changed.

I think what hurts me the most right now is the realization that the flame I was able to relight went out again.

I hate life again. And if you asked me what would make me happy, the answer has now returned to nothing.

I tell myself that it is okay to fell the circumstances of the loss of M and the pain of your eye but I have, in another way, fought this same battle for far to long.

I cannot enjoy a cig, I cant enjoy alcohol, I can’t enjoy anything. And I have no idea how to pick myself up off the floor this time.

My dreams aren’t filled with the beauty of falling to my death in such pristine condition anymore. I just dream of getting through.

Let me make it clear I am not in denial that what M and I had was a healthy love. My life has never really been good, so now what?

And that is the question that I so desperately search to answer.

Dear Heavenly Father,

I am so grateful for my life. For my family. And for all the things that you have given me.

I fear myself right now. I fear my mind. I fear even my heart.

I pray I find strength. I pray I find the certainty in the actions I make and the roads I take.

I do not want to mess this life up. I want to spread light. I want the life I have always envisioned.

I pray for guidance in the important decisions I need to make for my life.

I pray for the grace in myself that I so easily give to others no matter how much I am constantly misunderstood.

And I pray that I may overcome this debilitating eye pain.

I want to grow into my best self and I pray that I will know how to move forward.

I love thee so very much.

I am eternally grateful for all the times you carried me when I could not crawl.

Thank you.

Please give me strength and light.

Amen.

XOXO

B

I am heartbroken and dead

The Past

I wish the ever lingering desire to die would go away. I wish that I could give my life to someone who could be happy, someone who had loved ones, someone with potential life experience that included happiness. I found out Matthew has a new girlfriend. I am gutwrenched. I think the hardest part is how real my feelings were for him. How deeply I wanted to be special enough to change him. I always knew he wouold move on first. Infact, I even knew that would be the only thing to push me to move on. Some days I feel strong, and then that strength unravels and althoug I shed no tears now. My soul longs to leave this depressing state of desitude of what I call my life. I am so engulfed and enthrawled by this evil manioulative man, B- why?! It is a wuestion I have to ask myself ea ch time the pioercing pain through my heart informs me of the painful trauamtic loss. I know he doesnt deserve my love. However, letting go is the real struggle. God, I beg you to help me know what I can do to free my soul from this illuaion I believed was love. Amen.

She Tells Me The Things That Haunt Her Heart And For A Moment I Too Feel The Cold Shiver Of Ghosts

I have been doing better but today, I am struggling. Seems as if I always write when I struggle, to hopefully work out the pain in my mind that I am so good at shooving deep down inside. I have been pushing away my empathy, I have also been pushing away the part of me that can see, hear, and feel other deminsions and the creatures they hold. I am fighting to surrender to the journey.

You are absolutely capable of creating the life you cannot stop thinking about. Stop living in your head. It is time to make your dreams happen.

Black like my soul. White like my light.

The Past

Dear sweet girl,

It is not the future you are so afraid of it is truly the fear of ever repeating the past.

Some people survive chaos and that is how they grow. And some people thrive in chaos, because chaos was all they know.

-Medusa

You're beautiful because you know your own darkness and still that alone doesn't stop you from finding your own light.

4/11/22

I will always catch myself

Before I fall or potentially have a panic attack- okay lets be honest, a long term panic attack?

No but really, this is meant to be inspirational, sometimes it just takes a second.

As I open up my laptop and stumble to find my password for access in the notes of my phone, I catch myself breathing at such a fast rate at the same time I notice my heartbeat ringing my eardrums.

Sometimes it is nice to be brought into reality for a moment.

The heart racing and ringing throughout my body but especially within my mind has the ability to somehow make time stop for a second to where I actually realize where I am, the magnitude of my present situation, and the location and surroundings of my human body.

I have a genetic mutation for alztimers.

Unfortunately I am worried that with the comorbidity of trauma and genetic debilitating gene I might just be in for a real treat here in about ten to twenty years.

Even today just going to the gas station I struggled to keep the four items with me and in tact.

It is like a part of me drifts away as I live my life. On robot mode, keeping myself functioning but not really being a present contender of the matters.

I can remember so much but then also nothing at all.

I fear someday I may not know who I am, most of the time I already barely do.

Research borderline personality disorder..

Trauma bonds..

Significant factors of chronic ptsd...

XOXO

B

Hex your Ex

The Past

Not all ghosts haunt- some keep you company until you can trust the living once more.

I would have taken a bullet for you but you would not have even taken a papercut for me.

Alexa, play everyone who has played me.

4.11.22

My heart aches for you but you are never coming back. Remember when I told you I never wanted to see you again in this life, the next , or ever? You and I both know that was a lie. I loved you, and I know you loved me. In a sick dedicated way. Sometimes I wonder if you sacrificed yourself for me. I wish it was the opposite. You a brought a light to my life and soul I don’t think will ever be replaceable. No matter how toxic our love was.

I will always hold on to the thought that if you were sober, I might have actually gotten everything I ever wanted.

When that possibility is out of the question because you no longer walk the same green earth as me, where do I go?

How do I find a new light?

The only thing I know how to do is keep putting one foot in front of the other in hopes I eventually stumble on radiant light and pure genuine and graceful love again.

Is it wrong I also hold on to the thought that maybe in the next life I get to be with you?

Probably unhealthy to say the least.

I am doing my best, one foot in front of the other, again and again until I find myself somewhere brighter and hopefully different. In all the beautiful mystical ways that some may refer to as magical that I believe are truly hidden in plain sight gems all around us every single day.

One must open their eyes and perception, soul, mind, body, pain, trauma, etc to truly find the diamonds cut so sharply they blind shining in the suns light right in front of us in our human experience.

The truth burns deep inside.

The Present

Wearing all black today to mourn the death of all my motivation.

The higher I get, the lower I sink. I cannot drown my demons when they know how to swim.

I am reaching for a rope that does not exist.

AHHHH. My true current thoughts. I was doing so well and this life curve ball threw me right back into the boxing ring.

Oh where did you go, I miss you so

Seems like its been forever,

That you’ve been gone.

I have lost count of the number of times in my life I wanted to give up. I am however, still here standing tall.

Woman The Hell Up, Sister.

The Present

Life will get better, it will get brighter, I abolutely promise babygirl.

I should really let my inner bitch come out and play more often because holy hell that demonic savage gets shit done.

Karma Fairy

The Present

Life is good, you should get one.

Dear Karma,

I have a list of people you missed.

Your karma is watching me thrive knowing you lost me.

Do not listen to what people even say behind your back, a lion will never look back when small dogs bark.

The best revenge is none.

Heal.

Move on.

And do not become the people that hurt you.

Holy Chic..

The Past

I feel a plethura of feelings and emotions. The only thing I do know a thousand and ten percent, is God is real. God carries me through the days I battle myself to stay alive. Some days I want to die, just because I cannot find any light. I do not know what my purpose is, to be alone, to work, to struggle.I could go out, too bad I am selective and picky. I feel other peoples emotions so strongy that outings drain me. Where is this man of mine? I do not need to be saved. I will never need anyone to save me. I finally learned that lesson. Part of the reason I do not mind the pain but I also just want a little light in my personal life. One person to trust, one person to love. I do not need much. Maybe i could be the same for him, he doesnt need saving, he just needs someone to love and someone to love him back. It is different now, I want someone in my life different than I ever have before. Am I ready? No. I know that. I cannot deny my growth but I still struggle too much to be with my equivelent best verision of me in a man. Is he still growing too? It seems like I am Cinderella trying to get back frm the ball before I turn into a pumpkin. Except I have always been the pumpkin, never even had a ball to go to. This time, may we skip being a Princess because hunny, I promise- even if you do not see it or feel it now, you are going to be the motherf*cking Queen.

xoxo

B

Short-circuit

The Past

I was listening to Dancing by myseIf by Robyn earlier. As much as I love that listening to that song brings me to a place where I can close my eyes and truly dance by myself in my beautiful oddly witchy decorated apartment in West Legacy, I truly feel like I am standing in a glass house banging on the see through windows with blood streaming frim my battered psalms. I bang and desperately wonder why men I want to see who I really am just...can't and quite honestly never do. That has always been my story with men- to laugh or not to laugh, lol? I wanted Zach to understand me and he never did. I wanted M to choose me because I would have picked him in this life and the next and next and next. And with Logan, I thought he did understand me, or so he claimed. However, when he walked away so eaily while gaslighting my reality just like M would it stung. Logan pulled a 180 on me and told me he was not happy and it just did not work out when the time frame and behavior never matched his new words. I beat my hands on this glass, trapped inside, while I watch these men leave me and move on from their lives like I never existed when they were my whole world.

It causes me to see it all in a different light when I explain it like that. I do not deserve to be the girl crying in the corner, or to be the big hearted woman beating on a thick layer of glass. With this heartbreak I am not coming into this chapter with no experience. This time I am not entering the pain battered and utterly broken. I am not damaged goods as some may call me.I am not unworthy of real love. I finally see it from a self-loving point of view. The prespective that I bring to the table has shifted to where I finally see I am the fucking table. These "men" should have been thankful I felt like Bob the Builder and gave them a chance at fixing and loving them. The only man that new my worth on a soul level was M. I hate that his demons took him, not only from me but from this world. M was my person and I am trying so hard to figure out how you move on in this life when the person you loved the most didn't love you enough to stay. M could not love himself. Not to be a hopeless romantic but my light and ability to love died with him. I have to learn to look at life differently. To see myself as someone who deserves way more than being the girl in the corner begging and banging for someone to see her.

This chapter of my life is where I make myself believe with every fiber of my being that I deserve to be loved and idolized.

Damnit M, you completed every part of me when you were sober, you just were not strong enough to stay that way.

M was not strong enough to win the war with the nefarious parts of himself and now I have to learn to be strong enough to let go.

Fight, babygirl, fight.

Please, because you have been through hell and the ending to your story is way fucking better and brilliant than where you currently are. You are not the girl in the corner in a song, you are the fucking song. You are the world and some.

Girl, you are quite actually the galaxy and the universe.

Whipe your tears.

Get rid of the fat inside you.

Build your bank account.

Stop worrying or wasting your time crying tears over the past.

Today is about today.

Do nothing but arise and shine brighter than you ever have.

Suit up Queen.

The real song is about to begin and the center of the stage is reserved for you.

XOXO

Queen b

Chronic Over-Thinker

The Present

Sometimes the reality of everything starts to sink in, I start to panic as if my mind is a box I am stuck in where I can’t breathe and every time I gasp for air I choke a little more. I want to face my pain and trauma but sometimes I am so scared at how badly it truly hurts if I were to allow myself to feel it all. Oh how I would fall so deeply apart. I have to give myself some credit honestly. It was just four months ago I made my first real attempt at suicide. I technically od and committed myself into a psychiatric ward where I literally had to make a run for it when I had the opportunity. I broke. The broken me broke. Everyday I am trying to piece back together the shambles of my life. To beg myself to see light in the darkness of the memories. How do you really live in a world where your best dreams also contained the same person that created my worst nightmares. What about me is so fucked up I am 31 with this story. Why am I constantly and consistently abandoned? Why am I so easy to walk away from over and over again? I am sick of it honestly. And when I start to u travel the pain from the past in sad lonely attempts to process the bullshit I also realize I now have experience with this shit. I finally understand what walking away looks like. Sometimes my mind jumbles and the sting of the harsh truthful reality sets in and I panic but most of the time I’m honest with myself that the only constant in my life will always be change and change only. If you looked at my life on some snap shot slew of photographs in chronological order it would be nothing but highs and lows over and over again containing different human beings. The one constant- no one stays. Everyone is temporary. You die alone so learn to love being alone. It is great and lovely when love finds us in this temporal life but oh how bad it breaks us each time the love ends. Sometimes it isn’t even that love ended just someone we will always love left this human world. I can miss him every day. I can also hate myself for it after how he treated me. I was no innocent princess though and I am so dearly sorry. I gave all of me to keep him though and I knew and know I would have died too if I stayed. We had a sick love. But oh did we love each other. For better and for worse we loved each other. I am sorry and I know he is sorry too. I would give anything to trade him. And I would give my life for five minutes with him. Maybe I am still that pathetic girl that loves a man so much who maybe never really cared but in my heart I believe he loved me just as much he just wasn’t strong enough to face his demons. I pray God wraps his arms around him and gives him the love I never could. And never will be able to even dream of having anything with him ever again. The crack in my heart I feel when I acknowledge that is deep. Deeper than I like to acknowledge. I don’t know where life goes from here. As much as I have had it all I also lost it all. I want to want to revamp but sometimes you just get sad. I want to allow myself the space to be sad, acknowledge it, and learn to let it go. Lift your sweet face my dear child. Life is cold and bittersweet, we love and then we weap. For as much as you feel darkness there is more light, believe in God, believe in life, and believe that there is something really quite beautiful waiting at the end of these lessons.diamonds shine because of pressure and babygirl that is exactly why you will always shine too.

I have so much to say I don’t really know where to begin.

I think I am somewhere called the in between.

Between my old life and my new one.

Dont be scared to acknowledge the past and be strong enough to let it go.

It has been a hard road.

I could have never imagined the road would have turned this way.

But it did.

And that is okay babe

I promise

"I am physically, mentally, and emotionally ready to enter a new phase in my life. I am ready to grow and get better."

Xoxo

B

It didn't kill me but something inside me died that day.

After M's death

Something inside me died that day, and it has'nt been the same since.

I learned how to die over love and over again and bring myself back to life.

Isn’t it funny how the years pass but you stay completely dead inside?

They say it will get better but I have practically lived my whole life trying to pick myself up over and over again.

Here we go once more, where the deep depression sets in and death once again comes knocking at my door. My desire for life is in the negatives. I crave peace in my heart to the point I just want to die. Nothing gives me light. Nothing gives me hope. And each breathing moment is a painful abyss. How do I keep healing myself when I always come back to square one? The only thing that sounds desirable is starring off into nothing and dreaming of death. What a pitiful life. If I cannot save myself no one can, I am scared. Idk how to live and every day is more torturous than the one before. I cannot keep saving myself with God has a plan for me just please let me die. This life of mine has been nothing but disappointment, addiction, and misery. One let down after another. Why would I want to keep going? I can barely make it through each dreadful day and I am sick and tired of disassociating to get through each gloomy painful day. Take my soul, let my body rot, and let me out of this world that is my version of hell.

We love our whole lives just to decompose next to hundreds of passed on fellow humans.

Being an empath a cemetery brings me peace. I can feel the lives of the ones who lay here. They inspire me to live a life they no longer can. I feel their pain. But most of all I feel the positive memories of each tombstone of a someone who used to walk this earth too. People who felt the emptiness I feel, the helplessness. They disgust for life and on the other hand I feel all their best memories of their lives. Their day of marriage. The nights at home they were happy just to be with who they were in the time it was. Time is weird. The present is surreal and the past stings. The perception on life the people buried in cemeteries honestly save my heart and soul.

XOXO

B

She Craved The Type Of Passion That Even Brought The Devil To His Knees

It has been a very long time since I opened this computer got on this specific website and rolled my three hours of sleep together and said lets do this.

Immediate emotion instant panic.

Instant stabbing of the heart that I have worked so hard day in and day out literally not to feel. Why does THIS do THAT to me.

I actually came on her to tell myself how proud I was of you. And I am so proud and I will not allow that trigger that melted my body and stabbed my heart just for trying to get back into this probe my heart into running.

I am currently doing something so very Brittany of me.

I am in a hotel room sleeping next to a man that I have FEELIngs for yall. Oh and this aso is not the first time...

K that in itelf please try to digest as I almost laugh outloud as he snores nextr to me but here is the real catch HE IS 21 and he isnt here illegally

I know that anyone following my story by now is like girl are you like stpuid crazy pretty dead barbie retarded.

And the answer I would like to give to that is apparently like pain is my love language ladies and gentleman.

I wish this man was my person, the one that is to see my scars and still think I am the most beautiful gem in the world but lets be real here. You and I both know with that gap in life experiece he isnt the king to my kingdom. But here you are preciously, sweetly, and handsomely sitting behind me as I hear you breathe laying in the middle of my chaos.

Sorry, again LOL.

I am standing in the ashes in the ashes of who I used to be and my past is essentially dead and my future is absoultely like what in the actualy fuck

Like ooops the person you are trying to reach has very well moved on. I live in Florida now where the sand and I are one because I will never go another day in my life where I dont at least grit on a piece of it. I walk along the ocean shore of the Destin coast into my new life and I let the wind, sand, and waves wash away the traumatic pain of my past which I once even shared these same very shores with the man that I thought was the most gorgeous, most intelligent man. (addition on th ebad stuff breifly).

We however, are never so lost that out angels cannot find us.

Death is not the greatest loss in life and although I am doing oh so much better the greatest loss is what dies withtin us whilr we are forced to still live,

They, them, those before us. They akways told us someday (give corny examples) They would promise us that fairytakes were real, Santa Clause wasnt a pedaphile, and the Easter Bunny wasnt totally some weird BDSM fetish. Those before us promised us that at the end of the day dreams would come true. However, what they frogot to mention was that nightmares were dreams too and us lucky few get the same person in the fairytale and the nightmare.

Dont even judge her walls they keeep her alive - allenmae

And to all my exes that arent dead- you know I was worth all the chaos I brought with me and you fucking know it.

I want someone to look at me and think wow she is worth everything, I understand now more than I ever have if I want that from the man that God is saving for me I have unclench my bloody fucking fingers and nine inch nails out of my codependent tendcys. I am currently reading one of many codpendent books I have purchased to "heal" me like ( funny example) but this one Codependent no more by Melody Beattie is the first one I have read where Melody esentially puts the blame alot on me. She is not saying my life has been perfect and I have never been through disgustingly abusive issues but she is calling me out for who all of that has made me be. And truly due to the way I was raised (mothers day expand on oldest of three brothers both oarents narcs ect.) And that sounds bad, sounds lamost how harshly I soeak to myself however what I truly mean is she is teaching me alot about ym self and my own tendiencis, characteristics, and (blank) that I was so focused on being such a sad victim I didnt realize the damage I was doing to others,

I always knew I self sabtoaged just about anything since losing M but never had I had someone explain all the ways I still need to heal from that and what it truly means to be a codependent.

A co dependent is just as guilty as the abuser and the narc and the alcoholic.

And I cringe writing that senentence and I am going to have to find a way better way to not only explain that but how to ellaborate on it and ALL that.

XOXO

B

Lonely Boy

After M's Death

While you were busy working on your ego, she was busy working on her soul.

Darkness is just lack of light.

Last night, I drove over to L’s. I was wearing lingerie and heals. I suppose somewhere deep down I knew things wouldn’t work out but I have always had the will to dream no matter the amount of times Ive watched them get shattered. I arrived and L was a ghost. I forced myself to cry even though I expected it. Lesson after lesson I continue to learn that I am meant to be alone. Someday I might find a man that will love me and as I said in my video from 2017 to myself- someday you will find someone to love you and that will just be it. The love will be enough for them. I won’t have to be scared. I won’t have to run for my life. I won’t have to be concerned about their sobriety status. I won’t have to fear stepping on the eggshells I wont be surrounded by. When I am looking at my life from afar, watching from behind the glass, I see that in a fucked up way I do this to myself. I love the wrong people. I give my heart to the wrong people. I give my heart to the joker and wonder why he is smirking and producing such an evil laugh. Something about being a Jokers Harley Quinn got me off. No one breaks my heart in reality. My own sick manipulative games I play with myself is the real heartbreaker.

Babygirl- when will you stop. When will you stop looking for love behind deep brown eyes full of emptiness. In a daunting way, its an addiction. They have always been addicted to the thrills of life. The money, gambling, drugs, alcohol. I have always been addicted to the whiplash of their internal pain. You cannot go into an empty cave looking for the light to the sun. You cannot set out on a New moon and look for a Full one. You cannot break your own glasses and wonder why you cannot see or why you continue to be so thirty. My life is a Romeo and Juliet love story. I love the passion, the fire, and fiery but eventually everything gets burnt to dust. Dust that gets taken away with the wind, as if nothing was ever truly there to begin with.

I have God. I am almost ashamed to ask him why, why I am alone, why everyone hurts me, why I hurt myself. Not that I know exactly how to put it into words but I know that I am the one who holds the knife that makes me bleed and cuts every cord, rope, or string offered to me. I am however, learning to dance with my devils and run my circus in a much more efficient manner. I know they aren’t going any where. I am just learning to paint my internal walls in something other than black blood.

I am different. Most people don’t live this life like me, I find peace in that. In the ability to see life through the eyes most will never know, never even be able to fathom even the slightest. You want to feel something so you make yourself bleed. Maybe exchange the knife you hold daily for something less sinister babe. You are a queen, you have your crown, now hold your power. Never let someone show you who they are more than once. Never let someone tell you they don’t want you fifty fucking times. Or are you attracted to those broken souls because it reminds you of your own. Or are you so strong you want to make their darkness light again, continuing to take the bullets waiting for a warm hug. Sweetheart. That hand gun only turns into an automatic weapon- their feathered angel wings aren’t coming out to save you. So please. Save yourself. Take the lessons and the tears and go. Vow to yourself to stop putting your hand in the flame to make sure it is hot. It is fire, baby. Stop getting off on being the gasoline.

If I am to give out compliments today- I would like you to know that you have done a hell of a job creating one wickedly good story. Maybe take the pieces as you go but stop creating the broken glass. These men that hurt your heart are their own worst enemies. They hate themselves and it makes you hate you. Do not take their incompetencies as your face value. You did not wait thirty years for Mr. Right to appear to have anything less than perfection, safety, and without better words- pure and innocent love. Someday you will see why all of these things were meant to fall apart, find the peace in that my dear. Find the peace in that.

Do the things most people won’t do and you will have what most people will never have.

Do not cry, smile because you learned. You learned that no one can wipe your tears better than you. Being with someone only makes you weak. And you- you are far from weak so why would you do that to your precious self? You shouldn’t.

Take care of your body. Love you soul. Comfort your mind. And never look back. The past is dead. There is nothing there for you in it anymore. I promise you that.

Shake thyself from the dust and arise.

Bitch, please.

XOXO-

B

Love Always Prevails, Always

The Present

Soulmates will always end up together. No matter how much love got lost, no matter how much distance there was. You lose each other to find each other again.

Every good and perfect gift is from above.

James 1:17

You Threw Dirt On Me & Flowers Grew

When someone tries me but they have no clue I have lived most of my life in survival mode, battled demons, and have fierce protectors and ancestors rollin with me.

My Story

Love is Blind

They say time heals all wounds but I cannot promise myself these wounds will ever fully heal but because of where it led me I do not regret any of it. However, I do often wonder what my life would be like if I would have had the self-respect to walk away when you showed your true colors the first time. God pulled me out of a pit so I could go back in and get more people out. Never forget that. I am learning to love myself out of the dark. I refuse to be unhappy this year. It is time I stop operating like everyone's life is more valuable than mine. Still the same girl, with the same name. Just a different mindset and a new game. It took me quite a long time to develop a voice and now I will no longer stay silent. Same heart, I just know better now. Everything takes as long as it takes and that includes healing...

Do Not Try To Play Savior Even When Your Heart Melts

Something about M was so addictive. He was my favorite thought.It rips my heart out to write this. To go back. I didn't know what I was getting myself into but I have never been so alive than in this time of my life. I loved living. I struggle now. I cannot think of anything that would make me happy. I am merely existing everyday trying to get to the next doing the right things to get my life back on track. But, it freaking sucks. Everyday sucks. I do not know how to create a life I like. It feels so helpless. How do you make human connections when you are so badly burned from your past? It is part of the reason I promised myself this blog. I have to heal and to heal I have to process. I am scared as shit to relive our story. I have packed it away for so long. I want to believe the saying about how only when we are lost can we truly be found but damn I am tired of finding myself. I want to be found. I also know doubt is part of the process. The painful gruling process. I always believed I just had to escape alive. No one tells you how long you will spend licking your wounds into recovery after an abusive addict narcissist comes into your life. The truth of it all is I wouldn't have ever let it be any other way because I wanted it to be him so so bad. And I am still trying to let that go..sadly, but truthfully. I fixate on that tiny chard of good there was for us in this life and forget all the times I feared my life. My brain hits refresh in all the wrong ways right now. I wish it would learn to refresh the life I have in front of me. I hope someday I can tell the old scared version of me that I made it. And I was happy. Every wish I have ever made was to just be happy. Just be happy for once consistently...in a life I didn't hate living. M ripped my heart out and I can't tell you if I am ever getting it back..

Follow Your Brain

Back to 2015, M and I had started hanging out outside of the clan, alone. Besides the time I asked him how much he eats because he looked skinny and he didn't talk to me for a week because he was so upset by this comment (red flag #3) things were really escalating in this situation. I would like to also say telling a man who works out alot and cares about his physique is not a goot way to flirt. I unfortunately word vomit when I like someone and often times say the absolute wrong things.

The Healer Has The Bloodiest Hands

Stop looking behind you they say, it's only your shadow. However, don't you have to learn to beat your shadow self to really make it in this world. Replaying our story in my mind knowing he is gone is one of the hardest things I have ever done. The good part was so magical for me. Never processing it all would be impossible to heal and move forward. I am trying to find the me that lets someone lose me instead of begging someone to choose you. They say that is truly strength. I must not fear for fear is a mind killer. I should know my worth for I have paid dearly for every ounce of it. Never give up on the things that make you smile...I just need to find the things that make me smile now. I yearn to meet people in this world that don't tear my heart to pieces. In this new era, in this chapter where M is gone and never coming back. For better or worse..

Always Be In Love With A Soul Not A Face

Sometimes you expect a lot from people because you would do that much for them. We're not here long enough to be living unhappy. I wasn't looking to dance but your sould sang and I couldn't resist. Please don't forget me and all the things we did. And if it were up to ne I would take everything in this life that has hurt you and erase it from your memories.

Love Can Be A Trick Mirror

He would tell me he was a monster, a beast. And I should have listened. But the idea of taming something so wild twirled the fairytale gown in my inexperienced heart. - Alfa Holder

You Changed My Whole Life

I could recognize him by touch alone, by smell; I would know him blind by the way his breaths came and his feet struck the earth. I would know him in death, at the end of the world. How many centuries deep is your wound? I don't have room on my back anymore for wounds. If you're going to stab me, you're going to have to do it while looking in my eyes. I will feel it deeply and express it as violently as I please. We have to stop glorifying the person that we were with. For some reason all you can think about is how amazing they were and all the good things and you're like, "Oh, remember that time that we went ice skating and this and that." You have created this exaggerated story and narrative in your head about how incredible it was. While not even thinking about the fact that you guys fought the whole way there and the whole way back. Therapists and psychologists say that when you go through a breakup. You should write a list of why these people weren't good for you. And I agree with that and you read it when you sit there and exaggerate how this person was so good and perfect for you and it was such a loss and you aren't going to find anyone again. Focus on the facts. Whatever you are thinking isn't real, hunny. It wasn't glorified. It was horiffying. But you could break my heart into tiny pieces, and I'd still pick them up and put them back in your hands.

Do Not Crave The Rose If You Can't Handle The Thorns

To sacrafice my self worth to be loved by someone who didn't even love themselves, while I tried to love them through their brokenness, it only shattered me. I know my intentions were pure, I know I couldn't heal them, but I loved and stood by while they tried to save themselves. "Others can only offer us the depth of intimacy that they have with themselves." -Robert Ohotto. I'm not embarrassed about my story and what I went through. In the end, they all drift away, even the ones that promised to stay. I know everything happens for reason but what the fuck? I have to remember God is writing my future and it is going to be a beautiful story. With M I realized I had to let him go eventually. He was unbothered watching me lose my mind over his destructive behaviors. I lost myself and realized I was fighting for something that was destroying me. The truth is that he was broken and I wasn't meant to fix or

Holy Hell

How does it feel knowing that a thief can come and steal your peace because your lack of boundaries gave them permission? You're just the gift that keeps on giving, a Santa Clause with no Christmas in return. No excuse should excuse you from not putting yourself first. What are you scared of your past or something? Cause what you feel is what you attract so if you assume, or consume the idea you are lacking that is exactly what you will be waking up and having. Absence for breakfast. You are a habitual skeptic and a visual paradox being the culprit in question but you keep looking for someone else to blame. You keep looking for someone else to explain why equivalent exchange does not apply to you and why your peace of mind wont reconcile with you. God complex with no God inside of you but you want your disciples to decide for you.

No One Told Me Love Is Pain

M, are you sorry because I figured you out or because you did it?

Forbidden Things Have A Secret Charm

I am never the same but I am always myself...

Narcissism

I've seen people with beautiful spirits hook up with a soul that drains them. Be careful.

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July 2023

I hope you find people in this life who make you feel like you were always meant to be here. People who make you feel like you belong exactly as you are.

I hope you find the kind of people who calm your soul just by seeing their face or hearing their voice. I hope you surround yourself with people who make you feel like there is nowhere else in this world you'd rather be than right there beside them.

But more than anything...

I hope you find that in yourself too.

I hope you know you belong here, exactly as you are.

Welcome, Darling.

This is the rebirth.

Thought you were going to crumble?

LOL.

Honey...

Sweetheart...

How do you know you're a goddess?

Because I cried oceans...

and I still didn't drown.

If you've been brutally broken but still have the courage to be gentle with others, then you deserve a love deeper than the ocean itself.

Self-doubt?

She doesn't live here anymore.

This is the part of the story where you realize you are more than capable of thriving alone.

Now we have new solutions.

A new plan.

A new life.

If you get lonely...

Be adventurous, darling.

You're going to be more than okay, baby girl.

Sell the things you don't need.

Study for the life you want.

Get your blog up.

Spend your free time preparing for takeoff.

You, babe...

You can do this.

This is what all the previous pain was for.

For this moment.

Put on the war paint.

It's you against you.

Sit down and write out exactly who you want to become.

Then become her.

Thrive.

Grow.

Abandon self-pity.

Abandon loneliness, because loneliness only wins if you allow it to.

Every time you get scared...

Pray.

God, I have no idea where You're taking me, but I believe with my whole heart that if I keep listening, keep trusting, and keep having faith, You'll lead me exactly where I'm meant to be.

No one gets to dictate your worth.

No one gets to decide your happiness.

God gave me the blessing of seeing you with genuine love and pure light...

and He can just as easily take that love away when it no longer serves His purpose.

Right now, Logan is pushing me away because he's carrying tremendous guilt and is buried in self-sabotage.

Not my problem.

Britt...

You're grieving a death.

You're carrying chronic, debilitating pain.

The fact that you felt like you had to justify deserving love and compassion on top of those things...

That's part of the problem we're trying to heal.

A healthy person who is capable of being a loving partner doesn't make themselves the victim in every situation.

They don't correct everything you say.

They don't criticize every move you make.

People who do those things are often carrying deep self-hatred, immense guilt, and unbearable cognitive dissonance. They project their pain outward because it's easier than facing themselves.

That was never yours to carry.

Things I'm Grateful For

I am grateful that I get to wake up to sunshine.

Not just the sunshine pouring from the sky...

but the sunshine that somehow still exists inside my heart despite the immense pain I've carried.

I am grateful that I get to walk to coffee every morning along the beautiful streets of Legacy West.

I pass Gucci.

Tory Burch.

Louis Vuitton.

And I smile because maybe one day I'll walk into those beautiful marble stores and buy something simply because I can.

My life has always been a roller coaster.

More than anything, I know the wind is always changing.

And maybe that's the beauty of it.

I am grateful for my faith in the Lord.

With my whole heart, I know I would not be here without believing that even the deepest pain carries the most tender, graceful lessons.

Lessons that someday will become the very foundation of everything I'm building.

"That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." — 2 Corinthians 12:10

(Page 146 of Streams in the Desert.)

"Actually...

Life is beautiful.

And I do have time."

Oh, honey...

Darling...

I am a damn savage.

With a little spice.

A little sass.

A whole lot of intelligence.

And enough independence to build a beautiful life from the ashes.

Long story short...

I survived hell.

And I will paint my happy ending—

even if I have to paint it in blood.

I promise you that.

XOXO,

B

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