Present
I could recognize him by touch alone, by smell; I would know him blind by the way his breaths came and his feet struck the earth. I would know him in death, at the end of the world. How many centuries deep is your wound? I don't have room on my back anymore for wounds. If you're going to stab me, you're going to have to do it while looking in my eyes. I will feel it deeply and express it as violently as I please. We have to stop glorifying the person that we were with. For some reason all you can think about is how amazing they were and all the good things and you're like, "Oh, remember that time that we went ice skating and this and that." You have created this exaggerated story and narrative in your head about how incredible it was. While not even thinking about the fact that you guys fought the whole way there and the whole way back. Therapists and psychologists say that when you go through a breakup. You should write a list of why these people weren't good for you. And I agree with that and you read it when you sit there and exaggerate how this person was so good and perfect for you and it was such a loss and you aren't going to find anyone again. Focus on the facts. Whatever you are thinking isn't real, hunny. It wasn't glorified. It was horiffying. But you could break my heart into tiny pieces, and I'd still pick them up and put them back in your hands.
Present
It's 2026, June 20th to be exact. M's birthday is on June 23rd. Last night I spent a couple hours reading all of this. My mind is blown. I broke and I broke and I shattered so hard I got sober and life is actually amazing for me right now. I read my own words. I know the brokenness was real. When people ask me how I have managed to make a complete 180 in my life I wish I had some amazing advice but all I know is that I just kept taking one breath at a time and I kept putting one foot in front of the other and I managed to make it to the other side. A little over a year ago I got off six different perscriptions and I stopped drinking. 7 months ago I got off adderall. That was the biggest game changer for me. I realized it was making me go into psychosis and I could never get my life together like that. I also went through something that once again broke my heart (you will have to keep reading the book to find out that details :)) and I came to this fork in the road where I decided I either have to kill myself like no more bullshit with this being sad and depressed and the constant self sabtoage bullshit but you either die today or you chose to change everything about your life. Somehow I chose to live but not because I was scared to die but I was scared to get to the otherside of everything and look God in the eyes and say I quit. I quit because I thought I knew better than you. I always believed I would have to watch my life like a movie once I passed over and it would be the version of it I wanted it to be if I hadn't given up and I would wish in that moment and that moment only that I had stayed, that I had tried harder. And now I am really happy. I am sober. I am single. I live in an attic above a pool in a big house. I have an amazing job in the mortgage industry again. I have a new Lexus. Like my life is not perfect but after you have been through such darkness the chance at a clean slate is all I could ever ask for. For so long I put my value in a man. All I cared about in life was a man. It took so long but I am able now to find happiness in myself. And reading all my work, that is all that younger version of me could have dreamed of. I would have thought it was impossible for me really. But I made it and babygirl, I am so damn proud of you. This is what we call the evolution. And I couldn't be more grateful to God for helping me find my crown again. And I truly do believe that where I am going is really beautiful. And I hope whoever reads this someday knows that no matter how broken your life is, no matter how much the darkness consumes you, no matter how much trauma you have to heal from, no matter all the cards stacked against you; it is never too late for you. Finding your light again will not be easy but if you have faith and you never give up the path of shifting your focus and creating self diciplicine in your life will always be worth it.
XOXO
B
Past
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